Lemon


I was there to leave you, and feel you leaving me too.
Your perfume lingered on my bedsheet, like how our afternoon rides linger in my mind.
I try to contain the scent and keep it with me forever.
But like my ache, it will be taken away by wind seeping the emptiness of this room.
And I wonder just now who we are for the years to come.
You love drinking Tequila when you’re with loneliness.
Now that you’re alone, I bet you’ll always drink again.
My presence is not around to warn you anymore.
I bet it’s what you’ve wanted too.


The Waiting Place


*
Quiet space,
Empty wide headspace
And I need you to show up in time.
Called me last week,
Texted you late.
Will you bother meeting me tonight?
The truth is I don’t understand what stage we’re going through.
The truth is I know, I know, I know I don’t relate to you.

*
Driving your car in the empty street
Drunk and crying again.
I wear your shirt, anticipating,
Standing In our waiting place.
The truth is I don’t think you’d come around.
The truth is I know, I know, I know my importance can’t be found.

*
Will you ever… no
Will you ever ring my phone?
I can’t stay here.
I can’t stay here any long
Will you ever wanna talk?
Will I ever, ever mend?
Because the last time we’re so open
You’re so broken and I shattered.

*
And I recall when I spoke my mind
Have I done any wrong?
Hoping you’d change, for a moment you did.
Barricades not strong.

*
Cause if I’d be honest, I want to tell you,
I kept on bleeding just to heal you.
But have you thanked enough?
No one asked for that.

*
Will you ever… no
Will you ever ring my phone?
I can’t stay here.
I can’t stay here any long.
will you ever wanna talk?
Will I ever, ever mend?
Because the last time we’re so open
You’re so broken and I shattered.

*
Will you ever… won’t
Will you ever utter “sorry”?
I’m still waiting,
At the place you told me
Will you ever stop the time?
Am I doing, doing it right?
Because the last time we’re so open
You’re so broken and I shattered,
Said you’d unravel,
Left me in pieces.
Said you’d fix it,
Gave me kisses.

*
It’s not enough, it’s all enough.
I mess it up, so I’ll pick it up.
I’ve had enough, you’re not enough,
In my dreams, I still see us.
So I’m going home alone.
You failed me like you always did –
When we were together.

*
Let’s stop the time.
Make me yours, I’ll make you own mine.


Lessons I’ve Learned Through my Teenage Years


I got to be honest, some of the things I am going to include in the list are the lessons I learned the hard
way. But in all seriousness, these realizations are some of my huge driving and guiding forces now that I
juggle through adulthood. If I did not learn along those younger years, I think I would be a totally
different person, and I mean that in the most negative tone.


Anyway, I know that reading lengthy stuffs is a tedious activity. Hence, let’s begin the very purpose of
this blog post:


Never allow anything to get through your head
No matter how people remind or tell you how great you are, never allow all the positive
commentaries to lead to arrogance. I realized that taking the positive comments you receive by
heart is so much better than storing and using them to boost your ego. You have to humble.


Procrastination may lead to missed opportunities
Should I say more about this one?
I mean, really. The regret of missing chances because you did not take it the moment it arrived
to you, is just one of the worsts.


Not everything is meant to land on social media
A lot of us are always tempted to broadcast almost everything online – I was not an exception.
Later, I realized that people don’t have to know everything about me or the way I live my life.
Now, I try my best to filter everything, and mindfully decide whether I should “post it” or “keep
it to myself”. Personal take: social media is not sustainable.


Internal celebration is the most satisfying form of celebration
Sense of security is quiet, and my Sense of security now is higher than it ever was, that when I
have a winning moment or just something to be festive about, I just keep quiet. It is like the
celebration only exist between me and God. All I know is my heart is happy for that certain
achievement, and not sharing it with anyone won’t make it less of a fulfilment.


Say “yes” to random opportunities.
Just say yes and try see it for yourself. It won’t hurt.


Strive to become an inspiration, not competition
Trust me a hundo percent, it feels more satisfying when people tell you that they are inspired by
you. Along my younger years, I have been a competitive individual and thanks God – I changed.
So instead of aiming to become a threat for others, be the living proof that they can also
improve themselves and do great.

Isolate when needed

We are all overwhelmed at some point, and pausing and shutting down for a while won’t be too
bad to do. Deactivate social media, stay at home, or go out alone, sleep, do whatever feels
good.


Be firm with your principles
With everything that’s going on right now especially social issues, making a stand is a critical yet
crucial thing to create. You have to learn how to assess situations, formulate your own stance
(the one that is truly coming from you, and not solely based on the opinion of others), and be
vigilant. Have firm values, that is one of your non-negotiables.


Trust your creative and critical ideas
I wish I did this more when I was 17, but here we are.
There was a phase in my life when I became a copycat too, my works were sort of carbon copy
of the other. And that can only be two things: I admire their outputs, or I did not trust myself
enough to even think and go with my own ideas.
So now, I try my very best to be original, trust that I can create beautiful and smart stuffs
independently, and just put it out into the world.


Be an open individual
That’s it, be open. Be open to constructive criticism, be open to new people, and be open to
conversations, to criticisms, to other ideals, because you might learn (or who knows? They may
also learn from you)


Learn from others.
This doesn’t have to be a live conversation. What I mean is listen to podcasts, read self-help
books, they are great.
The other month, I began loving listening to podcasts. I am getting so much gorgeous insights on
dreams, creating actions, productivity, and stuffs positive. Apart from that, I am looking forward
to finally begin reading my first self-help book, and follow that with more.


Invest in yourself
We all do investments within ourselves at some point, like self-care, buying ourselves materials
we like, getting lots of sleep, whatnot. But with this one, I mean investments that last in the long
run – learn something, discover new hobbies which may turn into passion, which may turn into
something you may benefit from. Take your time reflecting what you love doing then put
yourself into that. At this rate, entrepreneurial and financial skills are necessities, you might as
well want to learn about them.


• I am in control
Time to time, I need to remind myself that I am not helpless. That I can create actions, that I can
start right where I am and get to where I want. I have to keep telling myself that there are lots of
opportunity around me and they just require some work. I am young, in control, and definitely
not losing it.

Nothing is scary about adulthood
I remember myself coming to blog and writing “OhMaYG. I WilL Be An AdUlT sOoN. I Am
sCArEd.” But now, I am here, and did I die? Apparently, I did not because I am out there typing
this blog entry in my laptop. I realized that it is just another phase, sure responsibilities arise,
but we’re going to die anyway (saying that mildly)


Setting boundaries isn’t always an option. Sometimes it is a necessity
Indifference is real. We got some people in our lives who give us reasons to be over them. And
when the bullshit just keeps adding up, that’s when you have to draw the line. Trust me, you can
become indifferent towards them and still live your life as if nothing’s wrong, because clearly
there is nothing wrong with cutting off people who “deserve it”. This may not be valid to everyone,
but for me the concept of “forgive & forget” doesn’t apply irl, because in real life we do not
forget, our mind holds the remarkable facts. The only decision we make is not literally to forget
but to stop holding any grudge.
It’s not unfair to build walls and move on with your life while letting them move on with theirs
without any further affiliation. What’s unfair is you forcing yourself to welcome people who
don’t give you peace and are not worthy welcoming anymore.


Comparisons are lame
So lame. Is it human nature to always make comparisons? In real life, I believe that comparing
ourselves with anyone is a relentless form of self-sabotage. And this we have to stop.
Afterall, we’re not living the same lives. They say we are in the same sea, but not riding the
same boat.


You are in-charge of your identity
That means, be yourself. Stick to your own personality, and changing yourself just so you will fit
is yet another relentless self-sabotage you can make. You can’t rely on the opinion of others
about you, and their input will never actually speak for you. Get it together, girl – wear that
clothing and be the main character like I do! Hahahaha


You can always create your own set of preferences
Ya heard that correct: you can always deviate from what’s trendy, challenge the norms, and like
the unlikely. You can love the kind of music not everyone listens to, read this genre of book that
doesn’t usually sell to people your age, not have the latest iPhone, sleep than hanging out, soda
over alcohol. You don’t have to try things which are out of what feels right.


Be honest with other people, and be honest with yourself
Whatever the circumstance may be, speak your truth when necessary.


Be a go-getter
Commit to things that fuel you and gives you reason to breathe and spend another day just so
you can witness it happen. I learned from a podcast that dreaming big is better than dreaming
small, because at least you tried and whether this dream comes to life or not, you will never
question what could’ve happen if you actually dreamed big. You have to go all in, because all these little fear and doubts can become the great reasons why you will not break through and
change your situation.

You can never expect everyone to support you
Yes, that’s a fact. Not everyone will cheer or clap for you at times you need it. But that is okay,
you do not have to pity yourself. You have to be your number 1 fan who pushes for all your
plans.


Everything happens for a reason.
I know, I know – this is old. But I personally believe in this mantra big time! Whenever I look
back to where I was and look right where I am, I get to connect all the events that have existed
and how the things I loved are parallel to the things that I do and can do at this point. The best
part about this belief is I get to have a non-toxic coping mechanism whenever unexpected and
undesirable things take place. For instance, when there’s a missed opportunity, I say “oh. It
happened for a reason. Something bigger is about to come”, then boom! Something great
actually comes later.


You can’t be too available to people, and so are they.
As we grow older, we are up for things that requires our time and focus, and as we get
exhausted, the less we become available to others. And it’s okay. We juggle all these things in
our head, we do tasks for our future perhaps. We all got life, and priorities, and aspirations. You
must never guilt yourself for not being able to help others when you got valid reason.


Life flourishes when you don’t mind how others live theirs
I swear, this has to be one of the realest. When you spend your time watching what and how
other people are doing, you may forget that you too have your own life to deal with. But when
you spend your time focusing on your own, looking for something to fix or improve within your
own barricades, you grow better + in a real progressive manner.


Holding yourself accountable and owning up to your mistake is a great practice.
Growth mindset. It is!


And that is it. Overall, we got 25 life lessons but! I know that there should’ve been more.
I hate to break it down to you, but I believe there should be more in my list. However, I am too
forgetful to record all them. So, let this one be the 26
th and final lesson – WRITE IDEAS DOWN AS
SOON AS THEY ARRIVE. As we grow older, the things we think about pile up. Which is why if you
come across my google notes app (which you wouldn’t lol), you’d see that there are lots of
content in there.
If you’re also a content creator, a writer, or whoever who gathers ideas, this is the best advice I
can give. You may regret forgetting precious ideas after.
That wraps this blog post. I hope you guys had fun reading, and picked up something that stays
with you as well.

I actually have many blog post ideas waiting to be written. I am excited and truly look forward to
share them to all of you whenever I can. All the best. xo

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Curiousity


I almost picked up the phone and say “hello” to you. I almost tried to get us back from what we used to be.

I could’ve ask about your favorite color, if your family is doing great, or if there could be a chance to mend our false promises. I could’ve ask you about everything I had in my head, but all of them slipped away when I decided not to spill them to you. Was it my pride? Perhaps.

I only wanted to protect myself. I only wanted to remove myself away from you, and prevent it from holding on to false hopes.
If I write to you today, will you beg me to stay?
If I reach out and get upset, will you apologize to win me back again?
But who am I? Do I still belong? For my presence, do you still long?

Maybe we are both blameworthy in this situation. You gave signs, and I took them. I truly wonder about how you feel. I definitely don’t know if you also wonder about mine. I guess you do, some part in me wishes.
Part of me wants to get it all back. Part of me wish you still care, because I still do.


Stoic Boundaries


Peace and quiet, I say.
Peace and quiet, offer them to you as I may.
Peace and quiet, in the room we sway.
Peace and quiet, both demised in May.

For once, my Poetry transform into a technique to bury.
Broken champagne glasses, and so is the silence.
Spoke thy mind, did anybody listen?
And you offer Purple Hydrangeas in my door, because you know I love ’em.

You hurt me in ways I cannot utter,
I bleed in ways I want to leave.
Nowhere to be found is the Green light — a signal to go.
“Hope is a dangerous thing”, Lana knows, she sung, I know.

Raged tremors of fear never tremble an adamant mind.
Limits, pushed.
Poetry, consumed.
My world is in Blue, “Bang!”, covered in deep Red by you.


December Realization by Yours Truly (revised from 2020 journal archives)


I can’t tell if this is still my greatest fear at this rate. Perhaps, it’s over the fact that I’m so so close to facing it — Sooner, I am an adult.

Another decade has begun, and it’s sort of shaking me but doesn’t necessarily terrify me. On the sixth month of year 2022, I will be stepping at my 20s. (I can’t believe I’m still existing. Thanks, God.)
It’s actually sort of crazy. A minute, I’m 15. Then snap! I’m at this age. Time flew, and oh so fast.

Sure, this stage has so many uncertainties, but this is what future is — Uncertain — until things happen.
I don’t know what lies ahead but I am here to make my choices and watch how’s this gonna go.
What am I expecting? Nothin’. But still, my hopes are high that I’m going to have a good time.
My motto is the same as it was : Whatever happens, happens. *fingers-crossed*

I’ll do what I can to get my visions into reality, and leave the rest to God. All will fall into places and be well, surely.

For another, I just realized that no one owns a perfect life. We all are compositions of our special characters and flaws, which most times, we do not talk about.
There certainly are days when we feel our best selves, and there are days when we are our worst selves. Rough times, happy times.

I came into thinking that acknowledging the entirety of life is somewhat difficult but is not a bitter thing to do. It is crucial for us to acknowledge both good and bad aspects of being in the position where we stand.
Both negative and positive sides go hand in hand; there’s bliss, then misery. Excitement then boredom, relief and grievance.

The only way to remain still despite the ever-changing situations, is to look at the closest lessons and keep your faith on all the goodness that awaits.
Chance to make better choices and craft better situations is present as long as we breathe.

2022! Feeling old yet?! How was your Christmas and New year like? Talk to me in the comments, pals. Sending love and light. xo ♡

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Ifs


*
If I stayed,
would You?
If I held on to your promises,
Would they be true?
If I waited a little long,
Would we go back to how we were?
If I waited a little long,
Would you treat me a little well?

*
I understood,
There’s not a home in me.
I grew out tired,
Trying to fix us so you could see
I was there.

I was there all along.
Tryin’ to fight, standing alone for so long.

*
Now these are the days
You’ll wake up in the morning,
I’m not around to hold you anymore.
These are the days
I’m running without someone.
Our season flickered, faded, and gone.

Only if you knew.
Only if you knew,
It’s been a long time coming.

*
If I was desperate,
Would you know about my longing?
If I plead to you like a God,
Would I be healing?

Overnight arguments, screaming voices,
Haunting the edges of the apartment.
You grew claws,
I’m all made of flaws,
Masochistic – I had to refuse.

*
Now these are the days
You’ll wake up in the morning,
I’m not around to hold you anymore.
These are the days
I’m running without someone.

These are the days
I wake up in the morning,
Holding myself.
These are the days,
I run the streets to forget,
All the seasons that are flickered, faded, and gone.

Only if you knew.
Only if you knew,
It’s been a long time coming.

*
And when you call,
I decline.
I ain’t the same anymore.
No more reason to stay
I’ve had many reasons to go.
If you knock,
The door is locked.
I plead for you no more.
No more reason to stay
Countless reasons to walk away.

*
Now these are the days
You’ll wake up in the morning,
I’m not around to hold you anymore.
These are the days
I’m running without someone.

These are the days
I wake up in the morning,
Holding myself.
These are the days,
I run the streets to forget,
All the seasons that are flickered, faded, and gone.

Only if you knew.
Only if you knew,
It’s been a long time coming.


It’s Mark Anthony Back to the Blogosphere.


Wow! It’s not deniable that a lot have shifted since 2017. One to begin with is my Blogging activity. Hahaha. Responsibilities, responsibilities. If I can escape college and still survive life, I would’ve done it.

Honestly, even if 2021 is approaching to end, I still run back to memories I made along the way — the feeling of being seen, the friends I made, the changes I had to go through; I’ve been so daydreaming.
It’s good to grow, but despite stepping into adulthood, I still regularly miss my early years. Life happens anyway.

Lately, I feel like I’m having some sort of setbacks. And I know that making setbacks is just unhealthy. UNHEALTHY.
I try my best to avoid doubts and worries, It took me years to work on myself. Why now?
Let’s get over it. I sound dramatic — again.

When was the last time I updated you guys with my life? Ha-ha. I can’t recall, sorry for being so MIA. I just didn’t know how to properly divide my energy. School stuff drains all of it. But on a positive note : I am finally a campus writer! 🎊
When I was in high-school, I dreamt of being a member of the publication but never got the chance. Now that I’m in College I gave it a shot, and thanks God for making one of my li’l dreams come true.
Thanks as well to WordPress. If I didn’t accidentally created a website back in 2017, I would not be interested with literary writing. Thus, I wouldn’t be a campus writer. I’m happy I have a blog.

Here are 4 random realisations I got (because they’re the only ones I can remember lol) :


• we are bound to change
• you’ll always miss great memories
• there are things we love yet we sacrifice
• we don’t always get what we want

Recently, Two of my favourite artists released their music — Taylor Swift released the re-record of Red album with additional new songs (All too well 10 minutes version. Omg! 😍) + Gracie Abrams released her album “This is what it feels like” (her songs just capture how I exactly feel. I love Gracie for that :”) )

Some of y’all probably know that on 2019 I began writing my own novel. Heck! It’s still a WIP till now, and it’s been also a year since I last made an entry. I’ll get back adding chapters soon, wish me luck.
Anyway, I certainly have writings stock on my notes app. I look forward to finally post them here together with some song lyrics I’ve written while I was on my idle blogging period.

Let’s just say these are some of my latest photos to guarantee that I’m still breathing. (proof of life lmao)

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Sure this is the sloppiest post I’ve ever made and publish. Sorry ’bout that. I swear, I suddenly felt an urge to share everything that I thought deserves to be shared.

How are you doing over the past months? What is the highlight of your 2021 so far? Let’s catch up!

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what I wrote when you left.

I thought I have memorized you enough.
The warmth of your hands wrapping mine, the comfort in your arms, your scent, your jawline.
I thought I have known you enough.
How you feel based on your actions, your breathing pattern when there’s a baggage, the amount of my importance to you.

I didn’t.
I never knew how you’d keep your hands on your pockets so I couldn’t hold them, I never knew how you’d make me feel betrayed the moment you say “it’s over for us” over an unrecognized and unsaid reason. I never knew how you’d walk when all the steps that you take are steps to get away from someone you promised “forever”.

I didn’t memorize you enough. There wasn’t a way I could. Because all those times we were together, we were distant. You were detached, and never held the gut to tell me just yet.

I didn’t memorize anything, I’ve never memorized anyone.
False promises I believed, false hopes I wouldn’t decline. If I was smarter, I’d not be breaking.

I didn’t memorize anything, I’ve never memorized anyone. Not my own even.


How my Summer 2021 Went.

Let’s get one thing Straight : I definitely am not in love with Summer. It is the season of the year when all that your body does is sweat, and it can’t be more annoying especially for someone who lives in a yet tropical country.
By the way, we don’t have summer in the Philippines. We call it dry season, but considerably it is our Summer Season lol.

But good thing though, among all my summers – I can tell that this one have been the best. I actually thought I wanted to write a lengthy blog post, where I could input all that I’ve done and experience for the past months. However, I’m kinda busy at the moment, and besides, people won’t be that interested anyway if I write something too long.
So instead, I’d just feed you guys with my favorite pictures I took whilst spending the Time of the year.

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How are you doing, folks! Talk to me in the comments! 🌸

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